


Letters From a Child

by bakers_impala221



Category: Sherlock (TV)
Genre: 1st person, Absent Parents, Angst, Difficult Parenting, Grief/Mourning, John - Freeform, John Watson - Freeform, Letters, M/M, Missing, References to Depression, Repressed Feelings, Rosie Watson - Freeform, Sadness, Sherlock - Freeform, Unreliable Narrator, based on Rosie Watson, letters from a child, mrs hudson - Freeform, technically an original character, teenage years, unspoken feelings
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-02-23
Updated: 2019-06-02
Packaged: 2019-11-04 03:40:31
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 37
Words: 6,355
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17890802
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bakers_impala221/pseuds/bakers_impala221
Summary: When Sherlock disappears one day and John won't talk about it, little Rosie is confronted with confusion and curiosity. She begins to write to him, asking if he might just come home.





	1. Chapter 1

Dear Papa  
I dont know were you are or why you left but daddys been siting on his chair all day and he lookes sad and he wont tell me what is rong. I hope that you are okay because I relly miss you and I want you to cume home and I think Daddy dos too.  
It feells cold now. I wonted to ask Daddy to put a fire in the chimni but I did not think Daddy woold like to mov and I can not do it on my own.  
I remeber that you said that I coold one day grow up big enouf to lite the fire by myself and that I woold also be strong and cappabill. I told Daddy and he seid I would be but I still don’t know that word and what it means.

Ill be waiting at the front dor outside Mrs Hudsons house for you to cume bac home.

We lov you from Rosie


	2. Chapter 2

Dear Papa

  I stil dont know were you are but Daddys talking again a little bit. Mrs Hudson came to drop in she said because she wonted to see how we were.

  I seid I was working on a new experyment like you do. I showed her all the peeses and she said that she was empressed. I dont know what that is but I think it is good. I tried showing Daddy but he seid he had to use the barthroom and then he left and didnt cume bac out again. I wish I coold show you the experymint. I dont remebmer how long it has been but I think you hav been gon for a few days and I miss you.

  I hav not figerred out how to send these leters to you becose I do not know were you are or how to find out.

  Daddy has been going outside and leeving me with Mrs Hudsn and Mrs Hudson said that he is going to see a theropest. I don not know what that is but I hoap that looking at it will make him les sad. I asked Mrs Hudson wether if you came home Daddy would be les sad or not and she sed that she thort so. I asked her if she thort you were cuming home and she didnt anser she got up and made sume tea.

  I wunder if i woold be les sad if you came back but I dont think I feel sad. i want you to cume hom thoe.

 

I lov you from Rosie


	3. Chapter 3

Dear Papa

  To day Daddy and i went to a parti. It was straing and boreing because it wosnt like the partis I hav been to befor and the food was al grone up and not nice.

  After I asked Daddy if we coold go to unother parti with mor chooldren and he seid that we coold later. He seemd sad and I thort that mabe it was because the parti was boreing so I gave him a hugg and then I ran up stars to my bedrom and playd with the stuff in the box that seys chemestry kit.

  I then got sume red on my skirt and I coold not see it much because it was black but I was scarred I woold get in truble so I hid it under the bed and I hope Daddy wil not find it. I am teling you becos I do not think you woold be angry with me becos when I climed on to the counter and acsidently droped a glars you did not get angry but Daddy did. You only got angry at me when you were leting me be your asistent in reeserch and I broke a long glars thing and spilld the thing you said was asid on the floor. You woold not let me go near it and made me go to my room for all aftanoon. Daddy came in after he got home and told me that wen you get angry it is not for long and that it wood be okay. He seid he was serprised that I did not cry becos of you but I hav never cride becos of you becos you always make me hapy. That is why I wannt you to cume back Papa.

 

Pleese cume back from Rosie


	4. Chapter 4

Dear Papa

  Daddy seys that I start scool soon. Mrs H came up to giv me sume new clothes to wer. She seid I woold look good and i was giftid and that I would do amazeing at school. I showd her my leters and I thort she woold be empressed becos I found out that word and insted she just fround and did not torlk as much after. I dont think I will sho any one the leters anymor. At leest no one exept you.

 

I lov you from Rosie


	5. Chapter 5

Dear Papa

  I was doing sume more cemistry and I spild sumething on my scool dres. Mrs H said it was fine and she woold cleen it but then wen she left Daddy askd me if i did it on perpos. I dont know why he asked that. I didnt tel him. I dont know why i did that thoe.

 

From Rosie


	6. Chapter 6

Dear Papa

  I started scool today. I didnt like it there wer lots of peeple and they all lookd exited. I didnt know what to do and i didnt takl to any one. Sumone askd my name and i told them I was caled Richard. He lookd at me werd and went away and i dont want to see him agen. I dont know why I did that becos my name is Rosie. I think i wantd him to go away. I was glad that he did.

  I dont want togo back.

 

from Rosie.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> P.S from moi: *whispers* your comments and kudos are very much appreciated. Thank you


	7. Chapter 7

Dear Papa

  I do not know if you woold be empressed or disaponted like Daddy but i went to the prinsiples ofis today and i was in truble becos i seid sumething to another stodent and i made them cry. Daddy seid i was not alowed to tel peeple i knew they wet the bed becos it was meen but I didnt tel him or the prinsiple why I seid it becos they did not ask and I dont wont them to know. I think I got in truble becos the othar stodent cried and I didnt.

 

from Rosie


	8. Chapter 8

Dear Papa

  We had a day of scool today becos the teecher wanted to talk to all the parints. Some of the uther kids had mothers thoe. I think one of them was not a mother or a daddy but Daddy was in a hury when I asked him so I desided it was a parint but not a mother or daddy. I dont think I hav a mummy. Daddy and you said she diede when I was very litle but I dont miss her at all becos I did not know her. I think I only hav you and Daddy and that is okay becos I dont want a mother anyway.

  The teecher said that I am verry smart but that I do not get along with the othar stodents. I thort Daddy woold be disaponted again but he smiled and he looked impresed and that felt good becos I do not want to be frends with the uther kids.

  On the way home walking on the streat Daddy was smiling again and I asked him why and he said that I am a lot liek you. I felt hapy and thort that he was too and then I saw that he wasnt smileing anymor and I dont know why becos I thort it was a good thing.

  When we got home he left me with Mrs H and as he went up staires i think he was cryeing.

 

From Rosie

 


	9. Chapter 9

Dear Papa

  Today the teacher told me I have a remarcable memory. They said that I coold moove up a yer level because I was smarter than the uther students. That made me feel good. I dont know wen I can moove but I hope that it is scoon because I do not like the peeple in my class now becos they are stoopid and mean. Daddy said I hav to stop caling them stoopid but I dont want to becos they are.

 

From Rosie


	10. Chapter 10

Dear Papa

  The teecher and Daddy talked today and they said that I coold moove up like the teecher had said to me. They discused a lot of things as I walked around the room. I liked the room after school becos all the stoopid students are gon and it’s quieet and I can moove arowned eezily.

  I pretened to be playeing with the toys in the class room so that Daddy and the teecher wooldnt know that I was lisening. The teecher said I was angry and that i shoold see some one and I dont understand why I woold becos I see peeple all the time and they are all stoopid so I dont need to see any mor. I also dont think that I am angry I think I look angry becos the uther students are always meen and I do something Daddy said is caled insalting them. If what I am doeing is insalting then they shoold be insalted.

 

I wish that you woold be here now from Rosie.


	11. Chapter 11

Dear Papa

  Today I had my ferst day with the older students. The teecher said he was amased by my riting and maths skils. I think I am beter even than the older peeple.

  We lerned about how to write a letter to someone and I found out that there is a thing called a signater which is what I put at the end of the letter but that it goes under the other part. I will show you at the end of this letter.

  One of the students in the class was nice. I didnt think any one coold be nice. we talked about maths and our familys because we both like those things. I dont know if she has a frend but I hope she doesnt because I want to be frends.

 

Yours sinsirely

  Rosie


	12. Chapter 12

Dear Papa

  I talked to the nice student again today and she was stil nice to me. Her name is Scottie and she said she was born in Ustralia which is the cuntry at the bottom of the map in my bed room. She told me about ustralia and said it was nice there and that there werent as many peeple and that Lundon has a lot of peeple.

  I havent got in truble or in any fites with any of the students in the class and my old teecher said that they were impressed and hapy that I was hapy.

 

From Rosie


	13. Chapter 13

Dear Papa,

  Today we learned, about comas, and the teecher said, they are for puntuating, in sentenses. They look like this

,

  and I like them but, I am confoosed about where they, are suposed to go.

 

From Rosie.


	14. Chapter 14

Dear Papa,

  Mrs H gave me and Daddy a dog today. It was a very pretty dog with red fer, and green eys. I like dogs and I caled it redberd because I remember uncle microft mentoning redberd and Daddy was hapy I think, he also looked sad and I dont know why.

  I also started reeding a new book. I hav nefer red a book without picters and I like it, Daddy said it was more complikated than the other ones.

  It’s cristmas soon and I am exited because I know that you will cume home, because you and Daddy always made shure to be home on cristmas. I remembar when you were not back until late at nite on cristmas eve and Daddy got verry mad at you and made you promis, that you woold never mis it again. That is how I know that you will cume back home and that makes me hapy.

 

  From Rosie.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Today I actually read an old letter of my mum's (she sent it to her grandmother), and it was funny. I haven't actually read a child's letter for years, because I'm never actually around children, but I remember seeing the massive worksheets of prep schoolers on the windows of their classrooms at my primary school, and how many errors there were, as well as years ago, reading my strange stories done during primary school classes, and noting their incoherence and terrible spelling. So those memories were what I had based the writing style of these letters on. So, when I was reading the letter today, I was surprised to see that she really did make spelling mistakes such as adding extra letters, which I've included in this series, but wasn't fully sure was a thing. The example I noticed, was writing "feell" instead of "fell".


	15. Chapter 15

Dear Papa,

  It is almost the cristmas holidays and the school has a lot of decorashons. Ive been reading a lot of books and my faverit was the one about bumblebees, even thoug it had picters in it and wasnt as complikated. It reminded me of a toy in my bed room. When I took it down from the shelff I took it to Daddy, and he said that you gave it to me when at my berth. I asked him why and he said that you like bees and that made me hapy because I do too. I am exited to be able to show you the booke when you cume back home for cristmas.

 

  Hapy cristmas Papa,

From Rosie


	16. Chapter 16

Dear Papa,

  Yester day Scottie told me that she is not cuming back to school with me next year. She said that her family was taking her back to Ustralia and that she was sorry because she didnt want to go away.

  She cried as she huged me and said good bye and I watched her go into the car with her mothers and drive away.

  Daddy arived at school to pic me up and I didnt speek the entire way home or at dinneer. Daddy asked me what was rong but I did not want to tel him so I didnt say anything and I went to my room to be on my bed by my self.

  Before bed time he came into my room again and sat down on my bed and asked me what was rong again, I said that Scottie was leaving and that I wouldnt have another frend again and he said that it will be okay but I know that it wont. He asked me if I wanted to cry and I said no and he said that its okay to cry when Im sad but I said that I didnt want to cry and he said that was okay too, and he asked me if I wanted to sleep with him at nite and I said yes so we went to Daddy’s bed insted.

 

I miss you,

From Rosie.


	17. Chapter 17

Dear Papa,

  Daddy said it is now Christmas eve and he tort me how to rite Christmas well so I can now. We put up the christmas decorashons in our house and the christmas tree in the corna of the room, and redberd recked one of the ornamints from the tree. Daddy sung songs that Mrs H said were called carols like the name and we were larffing and hapy finaly and Im relly exited that you will be cuming home tomorow in the morning because you are not here now and it is late.

Daddy says Santa is on his way, does that mean you are cuming home with Santa?

 

I love you,

from Rosie

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (I'm sorry I haven't been replying to comments for a few chapters. I generally read them within roughly 2 hours -unless I've been asleep- but I'm usually unsure how to respond. I always will eventually, but until then, know that they are all, always, monumentally appreciated)


	18. Chapter 18

Dear Papa,  
Me and Daddy had a good day. Mrs H came up stairs and gave me a new dress with flowers and Daddy gave me a lot of new books, and one of them was about chemistry, and he gave me a new bee stufed toy and he says that it is frends with the one on the shelff in my bed room. I ran and got the bee on the shelff and said to Daddy that he was the new bees husband and the new bee was now hapy because he had a husband. Daddy looked away at the kichen and so I gave him the old bee and said that he beloned to Daddy but Daddy said that he shoold stay with his husband and I reelised he was rite so I put them togethar on the table and they were hapy.  
After a wile Daddy stoped talking so I played with redberd instead and it was fun, I think Daddy was angry again because you didnt cume home when he was expeckting it like I was and so he was waiting until you came so he coold yel at you again. I dont want Daddy to yell again like he yeled at me when I broke the glars because that was scairy and I think you woold be sad if Daddy yeled at you like that because I was. I didnt mean to brake the glars and you dont mean to be away so I dont think Daddy shoold yell because it isnt nice.  
I am going to tell Daddy not to yel at you when you cume home because he shoold be hapy and not angry that you finally cume home again.  
  
Pleese cume home Papa.  
  
Hapy Christmas,  
From Rosie


	19. Chapter 19

Dear Papa,

  It is a new yer and Daddy has started drinking from botles I am not alowed to tuch and he wont talk to me.

  I heard Mrs Hudson talk to him late at nite and so I went down stairs quitly so they would not know and I lisened to them. Mrs H said things like you need to be there for her and Daddy said that he couldnt do it and I wanted to go to him and hug him and say that he is good at everything like I remember Daddy saying to you all the time that made you smile but he walked out of the room and to yur room and Mrs H tried to walk down the stairs and found me and she looked sad and I asked her what was rong with Daddy and she didnt answer and told me that I had to go back to my room so I did.

  I think that Daddy is feeling sad that you havent cume back yet and I am starting to be sad too.

 

I miss you a lot and I hope you are cuming home soon,

From Rosie.


	20. Chapter 20

Dear Pa,

  I’m starting secondary school in a few days. I’m two years younger than everyone else, but it doesn’t make me feel that different. I think I’m smarter than them anyway, and I’ve learned how to avoid the bullies, so it doesn’t matter that I’m smaller.

  Dad’s been okay recently, I think. He doesn’t talk all that much, but I don’t know if that’s how he always was or not, so I don’t usually worry about it.

  I wasn’t going to worry about writing anymore of these letters, seeing as I still haven’t figured out where you are, and I don’t want to bring it up to Dad and break our unspoken rule about not talking about you. I thought of asking Mrs Hudson, but she usually changes the subject when I speak of you so I suppose, now that I think about it, that the rule extends to all family, not just Dad.

  I reread the letters I wrote to you a few years ago, and it was strange. I had forgotten about Scottie, Redbeard, and expecting you home for Christmas, and I’d even learned to ignore the married bumblebees and let them fade into the background like everything else in my room that I used to play with.

  I also found the skirt I’d worn to that party I had to go to. It was still hidden under my bed. I forgot I used to wear skirts at all. I think that dress Mrs Hudson gave me for Christmas was the last I ever received before she and Dad realised I didn’t ever wear them anymore.

  I’m really into chemistry. I thought that would make you proud because you were the one who introduced it to me when I was so young, and I think you really enjoyed it as well.

  Very occasionally, Dad will comment that I’ve turned out so much like you. It’s strange because I don’t even think we’re blood relatives, but I don’t care. It makes me proud that I could be like you, because I know that you were amazing and insanely clever and if I can be too, I guess that means I’m living up to your expectations.

 

I hope you’re okay,

 From me.


	21. Chapter 21

Dear Pa,

  The safe environment of primary school is gone and I hate it. I didn’t have any friends there and I was regularly in trouble, but at least I had figured out where to go to be alone, and who to avoid. At least there, there was familiarity and ease.

  It’s been a week since I started secondary and it’s hard. I can’t admit it to Dad though, because he seems stressed enough as it is without my stupid problems piling on top of that. At least the school work is dull and easy, but it’s not fun and it means nothing about that stupid place makes it worth going to.

  I hate the people there-- they’re rude and egotistical and it’s infuriating and I’m having a really hard time keeping my mouth shut, and it’s getting me in trouble even more than it did at the other school. The only plus side is that no one will talk to me outside of class, which cancels out the bullying and makes everything easier.

  I’m starting to think that you may have gone through this too, and I wish you were here so I could talk to you about it, because I don’t know what to do.

 

From,

 Me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, I've read every one of your comments, and I'm so grateful to you for all of them. However, I've never gotten this many before, and I'm used to replying as soon as I see them, but usually it's hard to reply because, well, I'm always grateful... but not so skilled at saying so.  
> I'll get back to each one to reply when I can.  
> Thank you so much for reading


	22. Chapter 22

Dear Pa,

  For the first time in as long as I can remember, I feel alone.

  Or, at least this time I _realise_ that I feel alone.

 

  I can’t think of anyone to say this to, and I know that it’s pathetic to have to say it anyway, but you’re not here and I guess that’s probably why you’re my only friend. So I suppose you, my only friend, will have to be the one I share it with, because I have no one else, and what feels like no other choice.

 

  The days at school feel long and slow and boring. My mind is fuzzy like I couldn’t focus on anything if I even wanted to. My chest feels heavy and sore. Everyone avoids me. It feels like there’s some invisible barrier around me and no one will cross over it. Dad never speaks to me anymore, and Mrs Hudson is getting too old to climb the stairs and visit anymore. I’ve thought of stopping by on her sometime but I never feel like I have the energy or the will.

  I don’t know what to do or who to turn to, and I think that maybe… maybe if you came home everything would be better. I’ve tried to tell myself that you’re not coming home but I feel like if I lose hope, you never will, and I can’t bear the thought of you never returning.

 

  If there was ever a thing you could do for me, Papa, it’s that.

It’s coming home.

 

_Come home._


	23. Chapter 23

Dear Pa,

 

  I barely managed to get out of bed this morning. The heaviness in my chest is only getting heavier, and the exhaustion is only getting stronger, and all I want to do is sleep forever.

  I’ve tried reading or working on experiments in the past to ignore it all, but the thought of even moving to do them is so tiring I probably couldn’t do it if I tried.

  Everything hurts. Everything. And I don’t know why.

  I keep telling myself that if I moved and did something it might get better, but I keep coming back to my bed and closing my eyes and staying here for hours, letting the same thoughts play over and over in my mind so that all I can think about is how I know it’s not getting any better.

I guess it’s easier to fall than it is to climb.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologise for the absence, I kept forgetting to update. I've been busy, manic, depressed, tired, unfocused, too motivated, unmotivated... too many things.  
> I've also made the decision to start posting a bit less often to conserve the little time left until this series is over... sorry.  
> I just really enjoy updating and am loath to see it over.  
> 


	24. Chapter 24

Dear Pa,

 

  I haven’t been focusing on school these days. I haven’t been speaking, either. In fact, I can’t remember the last time I did.

  I suppose I only really noticed this today. I got my chemistry test results. I failed.

  Well, technically I didn’t fail; I got a B. But it feels like I’ve failed. I feel like I’ve failed myself. I feel like I’ve failed you.

 

  Now I know I’m a failure.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’d already had this letter planned since the day I started the series, but the day I actually wrote it (5th March), I really did get my chemistry test results, and I got a low score. It turned out to be the average - above average for the class because it was a hard test, but at first this was kinda how it was to get that mark, actually.  
> There were other similar occurrences and parallels between the letters and my life right after I wrote them, as well. It's like I somehow foreshadowed future misfortune, which is weird af


	25. Chapter 25

Dear Pa,

 

  Mrs H is in the hospital. She fell over while sweeping and she broke her hip and hit her head on the counter. I think they said she has a concussion, but I wasn’t really listening.

  I haven’t spoken in two weeks. No one’s even noticed, not even Dad.

  He took me to the hospital to visit Mrs Hudson, but he didn’t have anything to say either, I suppose.

  I’m so tired.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> isn't it funny how just as you think things couldn't be more bleak, something happens and makes it like, even worse


	26. Chapter 26

Dear Pa,

 

  We got a call this morning. Mrs H died in the hospital overnight.

  I was sitting in the living room when the phone rang. Dad got up to answer it and I sat and listened. I deduced it pretty quickly; any ordinary person could have figured it out, so there wasn’t really much point in him coming in to tell me. I suppose it is customary though.

  He didn’t stay for long. He’d sat on his chair and we’d stared into the distance each from our respective positions, and after a few minutes he’d gotten up and left to his room. He was crying-- he’s always been the emotional one.

  I can’t help but feel I’ve no family left. I should feel guilty to think that, but I don’t have the energy to be.


	27. Chapter 27

Dear Pa,

We went to the funeral today.  
It was dark and cold, like the weather had somehow appropriated the atmosphere of the wake. Or of me.  
I’ve never felt so put out. I’m not overly fond of poetry, but the best I can describe it is: the trail of smoke of a blown out candle. I am here, I am tangible; but transparent, and about to disappear.  
Dad’s started drinking again. I never see him, but I can tell because these days the beer cupboard door hangs ajar like a permanent fixture whenever I see it, as if he felt like a change in decor the way he did when you left and he moved your armchair permanently out of sight.  
It’s almost tempting to take something from the cupboard and down the bottle at once. I’ve read -when I used to read- about the buzz, and how emptying it can feel, and it seems like maybe it would be such a relief to stop everything and be numb. Temporarily. Or forever.

I think Dad needs someone to talk to, but I know I can’t be that person. Broken things don’t fix other broken things.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, if I could just have your attention for a moment, please.  
> I'd like to issue a forewarning for the next few chapters, specifically Ch 28 (the next one). If you're likely to be triggered by any kind of very bad depression, and related themes, I advise you skip the next chapter. The chapter itself is not essential whatsoever to the plot, so if you have any concerns, feel free to do that. Alternatively, if you don't want to skip, I advise to proceed with caution. Stay safe, please


	28. Chapter 28

  I want to die, Papa. I want to die.

  I want it to be over, and I want to die.


	29. Chapter 29

Dear Pa,

 

  I’ve figured out something about me that it seems like changes everything. I don’t want to tell you what it is though, because there’s a chance you could be disappointed, and I don’t know what I’d do if you were.

  I know there is nothing wrong with it, but I get the impression that it would only cause further problems, and I don’t think that either Dad or I need that. However, I also see that talking about it could make it better, but I don’t want to have to think about that because thinking about it takes away all the energy still left in me, and I’m so tired of being tired.


	30. Chapter 30

Dear Pa,

 

  My Health teacher asked me to stay back after class to talk to them, today. They said that they had noticed I had been acting differently for the past few months. I half-expected a dry, sarcastic retort to come out of me, but instead my mind was blank and I said nothing.

  After a moment, I told them I was fine. They suggested I see someone, but I shook my head and started towards the door. I’ve never been interested in doing that-- therapy. Dad did, but it clearly never worked for him. I think they may have called for me again before I reached the door, but I ignored them. I didn’t want to speak to them.

  My whole life is crashing down around me, and I don’t want to talk about it.

  And I think that might be the problem.


	31. Chapter 31

Pa,

 

  I’ve been thinking about things-- like telling you, and telling Dad, or telling that teacher, or anyone else who will listen, and all of a sudden I realised that I don’t truly know _anyone_.

  Dad doesn’t speak to me, Mrs Hudson’s dead, I have no friends, and I barely met you. I’ve heard so many things about who and what you are, mostly stories by Mrs H when she used to babysit me regularly, or by reading through Dad's old blog, but reading and hearing stories about you doesn’t mean I really know you. I’ve considered you a friend -my _only_ friend- for so long that I’d forgotten that the part of you that lives inside my head, especially when I’m writing here, isn’t real, and that whoever you really are is still a mystery to me. There’s only one picture of you on the mantel that hasn’t been removed. It was of all three of us on a picnic I don’t remember, only a few months before you left. But everything else is gone, along with all the photos of Mrs H that Dad took down a few weeks ago. I can barely recall the wedding photo I used to stare up at every day from the living room rug. You’re so absent.

  I don’t know where the hell you are, but it’s not here, and that’s the problem.

  If only you were here; if only I could see you; if only you hadn’t made Daddy so ashamed he’d removed every last photo of you but one; if only you could still be here so I could talk to you and know you, everything would be okay.

  I’m so tired of waiting for you to come home.


	32. Chapter 32

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologise if this is a little convoluted.
> 
> On a side note, if you celebrate it: Happy Easter :)

You never came home and you’re not ever going to come home.

It’s taken me a lifetime, but I’ve finally, _finally_ realised that _you’re_ the one who failed _me._

 _Your_ absence changed my entire life, so I thought that maybe you were the cure to all of this, as if your returning home could have fixed school, Dad, Mrs Hudson and me. Like it was the one reason everything bad was happening, and that you were ultimate, unreachable cure I could never procure. And it has taken me _so long_ to see that I’ve been basing my entire worth on an absent father’s approval, and holding out hope for something so unattainable in order to obtain it and I realise now that I can’t, ever, and I’m angry, but it’s freeing, and so terrifying and overwhelming at the same time.


	33. Chapter 33

Sherlock,

 

  So I talked to Dad today. It’s been a while, but also definitely a long time coming.

  I told him I was transgender. For a long, long moment I held my breath, terrified and waiting. But then he moved in to hug me and he whispered that _of course_ it was okay, and that it didn’t change anything about me, and that he loved me.

  I half-expected to cry, but I didn’t. I also didn’t speak; just internally thanked him as the relief I hadn’t expected flooded over.

  He had spoken a bit after that. I didn’t really say much, but I was glad to finally have him talk to me. It hadn’t occurred to me that I might have actually missed that. It’s strange, but in a weird way coming out served as a way to bring us back together; finally a topic to bond over and serve as a distraction from all that is bad in our tiny worlds.

  He told me about how he had come out as bisexual, and how it had taken him years and years to finally be able to say it. He didn’t bring you up, but delicately danced around some areas of his explanation with enough omission to give away the obvious fact that you were somehow involved in his story. I gather you helped him after Mary had died, and that it had somehow ended in him coming out to you. I get the impression he has been in love with you for a long time.

  Eventually he told me that I should see a therapist. He clarified that it wasn’t because he thinks I am broken for being trans, but that I might just be hurting. I honestly don’t know if I’m hurting. I don’t remember feeling anything but this.

  I told him that I didn’t want to and he said that was okay, but to keep it in mind and come to him if I decided for it.

  He then asked about my name. I wasn’t sure what to say. I haven’t connected with the name Rosie for a long time, but it’s not something I’ve thought about much. I quietly told him I’d get back to him on it.

  I’ve thought of trying Richard. I used it once instinctively when I was younger to get someone to go away, but I’m not enthusiastic about it. I’ll keep thinking

 

From,

  _Nameless_.


	34. Chapter 34

Sherlock,

 

  Things are better in some ways, and not in others.

  Dad still drinks sometimes, we still don’t talk very often, and I still can’t get out of bed some days; but, the cupboard door is closed whenever I see it, we talk more than we have in years, and those days are getting less and less frequent.

I also decided to visit a therapist, and it’s been surprisingly helpful. His name is Ivàn, and he’s nice, and he specialises in LGBT+ people. Dad sees a psychiatrist now, but he told me that when he had first come out he’d visited Ivàn frequently and that he had been able to help out.

After about 4 sessions with him I finally managed to pick up an old book and read a bit. It’s been seven weeks now and I managed to start a new chemistry experiment a few days ago. I still haven’t been able to answer his questions about you, but on the whole, I’ve been talking more both inside and outside of therapy.

I cannot say that conversations with Dad have been wonderful. While more frequent, I don’t think either of us have fully adapted to the sudden influx in communication. But I don’t feel as isolated, and for once it’s like I’m not alone in facing the world.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In case you're unfamiliar with the differences between different forms of therapy, from what I know, it's:  
> John's son (formerly 'Rosie') is going to see a clinical psychologist/counselor for psychotherapy because, for now, his symptoms are mostly based on the environment rather than biological factors. John, on the other hand, I think would (should) see a psychiatrist by this point in order to properly treat his depression/PTSD. (The main difference between the two is that psychiatrists can prescribe medication, and counselors can't.)
> 
> (If I'm wrong about this, let me know, but as far as I know, this is how it would work)


	35. Chapter 35

Sherlock,

 

  I think I know where you are.

  I think I’ve known it for a long time.

  I never let myself think about it properly, but I realise that I just didn’t want to face the truth. Despite all the evidence, I’d let myself believe you’d left us because you gave up and walked out one day. But you didn’t, and I know that now. You left your clothes, you left your violin, you left your science equipment; you left everything behind.

And more importantly, you left us.

I barely met you, but I know enough about you that I know you’d never have done that willingly; not if killing a man for Dad is anything to show for that.

But I suppose part of me has been holding out hope all along that you’d return because I missed you. It also meant that the fact that I kept writing to you seemed less weird if I pretended to myself that one day you’d actually be on the other end, reading everything. Other kids had a diary and friends; in the meantime, I was all alone as I wrote to my dead father.

However, I suppose I don’t have to worry about holding onto that hope anymore, because as I see Dad and I recover, I realise more and more that I’ve finally got something and someone tangible to hold onto.

And in knowing that, I realise that that’s definitely something worth believing in.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> P.S. I've recieved a very reliable anonymous tip that comments and kudos are very appreciated


	36. Chapter 36

Dear Sherlock,

 

  I talked to Dad about you today. I told him that I realised that you’d died and he seemed shocked. He hugged me and started crying and apologised, more profusely than I’d anticipated, for not telling me earlier, and that he’d always assumed I had figured it out long ago and never spoke about it because I didn’t want to.

  He said that he would tell me what happened with you, but that he couldn’t today, and that’s okay. I think taking things slowly with this is the best option.

  I think I’m starting to be okay again. I know that there are holes in this family, but they don’t feel so massive or isolating anymore.

  For the first time in a long time, I feel like things really are going to be okay.


	37. Chapter 37

Dear Sherlock,

 

  I feel like there was something in the back of my mind, like a story from when I was much younger, that I couldn’t fully remember. I spoke with Dad again and I told him that I think I want to be called William.

  Dad visibly almost broke down. He told me that a long time ago, when Mary was still pregnant with me, you had been about to be exiled from the country for killing Magnussen for him. In your perceived last conversation, you had proffered your full name, William Sherlock Scott Holmes, in the hope that Daddy would name his child after you. By then I had remembered the rest of the story mentally, and I noticed, and was grateful, that he hadn’t brought up the part about refusing due to the fact that they had found out they had a girl.

  But in the end they hadn’t, though, and Dad agreed that the name William was suitable for me. I didn’t mention that I had considered choosing your chosen name, Sherlock, and then reconsidered when I thought of the pain that might cause Dad.

I feel that William suits me anyway.

 

Regards,

  William.


End file.
